Jokes

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?’’

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’


 

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she co uld, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’


 

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup’


A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how   Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

My pray :" God, if U can’t make me slim… :onion-head7:
PLEASE…,Make all readers fat… :onion-head2:

I want to refresh this old thread… and start to laugh…
Laughter is the best medicine for your health :happy0062:



"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,

"Good morning, Lord,"

and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,

"Good Lord, it's morning."


~~~~~~~~~~

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."


~~~~~~~~~~

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question,

"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?

A hand shot up in the air,

"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...."


~~~~~~~~~~

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church and the center of attention.


~~~~~~~~~~

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,

"I know what the bible means!"

His father smiled and replied,

"What do you mean, you 'know' what the bible means?"

The son replied,

"I do know!"

"Okay," said his father, "what does the bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy,"

the young boy replied excitedly,

"It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"


~~~~~~~~~~


Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered,

"Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said

"Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

~~~~~~~~~~

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”



After the dedication of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"


Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

“The Flight to Egypt,” was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who’s the fourth person?”

“Oh, that’s Pontius - the pilot!”



Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church. 
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. 
Finally, his big sister had had enough. 
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." 
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. 
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, 
"See those two men standing by the door? 
They're hushers." 

Haha… kids…

Too funny…
lol

40 years of marriage…

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female…

LOL!!